Hope and Regret – final 10 hours of Kusum in this world!!


Today, it is 3 months 7 days since Cancer made my love, my life, my wife Kusum to left us. Since then, every minute, every second, I am searching for Kusum, want to touch her again, want to hear her again, want to laugh with her again. Other than grief and missing her, there are lot of regrets. This blog is about one of those regrets, thread of hope and what happened in Kusum’s last 10 hours in this world.


In 7 yr fight of Kusum with this stage 4 lung cancer when she had almost 30 brain mets (including many big), tumors in both lungs, ovaries, uterus, adnexa, abdomen, spinal cord, leg & other bones….and where no medicine every worked at its best and for long time….Then almost every year there were time, when Doctors used to say ‘ ab kuch nahi ho sakta or time has come’…. It does not mean she never got afraid, she did!! Yes she got afraid and that too many times but every such time, I used to tell her that “Dont worry, I am here na, main kuch nahi hone dunga (I will not let anything happened to you)” and she always smiled and said “yes, I know”. In those 7 years, I have not let any stone unturned day and night, to save her while bringing all those latest medicines in India for her, with each other living life the best despite all struggle, spread so much happiness, hope and love and not only with friends and family but also with society and fellow patients.

Final 10 hours:

In final 10 hours of her life in this world, everyone (including Doctors, family members) lost hope as her condition was really poor, TLC were 67000, Oxygen level were too low, BP was low to a level of around 50-20…but she was keep fighting. When her BP reached further down, Co2 level crossed limits in brain and she was unconscious, then closed family members started to say final bye to her except me, I was not ready.

She was alive and it was big surprise to all Doctors in ICU, how she was alive as nothing left in her body, it was multiple organ failures.

My First and Last Goodbye:

After around two hours, when Kusum’s situation further worsened, then someone from family came to me and suggested that I will not able to say bye ever to Kusum if not now…Then I realized that I would be in regret whole life if I will not say final good bye when I have chance…I went inside ICU to say my first and last good bye to her.  Yes, it was my ‘First’ bye too in 7 years of our fight with Cancer. In those 7 years, I never said ‘bye’ to her….It was always ‘milte h or jake aata hu’ (see you). When I went inside, Suryansh (Kusum and my son) was with me and Kusum was in coma with no movement and closed eyes for hours but I know as she is alive, she will listen to me. She always listened to me. With feeling not to miss the opportunity to say final good bye when she is around, I had my final talk with her while Suryansh and I was holding her hands in our hands. Then I kissed her and said ‘good bye jaan’ and as soon as I said it, her heart suddenly stopped then and there and she passed away while holding our hands………. !!   Then I realized, what ‘Hope’ means, then I realized that not only love, I was holding her ‘Thread of Hope’ too.

The motive to share this story is not to make anyone sad but for a message that “Whether Cancer or not, bad time or not, friends or family, please be someone ‘Thread of Hope’. Hope and Love is most beautiful and most powerful thing.”

Share Love, Share Hope, Losing is Not an Option!!