Hope and Regret – final 10 hours of Kusum in this world!!


Today, it is 3 months 7 days since Cancer made my love, my life, my wife Kusum to left us. Since then, every minute, every second, I am searching for Kusum, want to touch her again, want to hear her again, want to laugh with her again. Other than grief and missing her, there are lot of regrets. This blog is about one of those regrets, thread of hope and what happened in Kusum’s last 10 hours in this world.


In 7 yr fight of Kusum with this stage 4 lung cancer when she had almost 30 brain mets (including many big), tumors in both lungs, ovaries, uterus, adnexa, abdomen, spinal cord, leg & other bones….and where no medicine every worked at its best and for long time….Then almost every year there were time, when Doctors used to say ‘ ab kuch nahi ho sakta or time has come’…. It does not mean she never got afraid, she did!! Yes she got afraid and that too many times but every such time, I used to tell her that “Dont worry, I am here na, main kuch nahi hone dunga (I will not let anything happened to you)” and she always smiled and said “yes, I know”. In those 7 years, I have not let any stone unturned day and night, to save her while bringing all those latest medicines in India for her, with each other living life the best despite all struggle, spread so much happiness, hope and love and not only with friends and family but also with society and fellow patients.

Final 10 hours:

In final 10 hours of her life in this world, everyone (including Doctors, family members) lost hope as her condition was really poor, TLC were 67000, Oxygen level were too low, BP was low to a level of around 50-20…but she was keep fighting. When her BP reached further down, Co2 level crossed limits in brain and she was unconscious, then closed family members started to say final bye to her except me, I was not ready.

She was alive and it was big surprise to all Doctors in ICU, how she was alive as nothing left in her body, it was multiple organ failures.

My First and Last Goodbye:

After around two hours, when Kusum’s situation further worsened, then someone from family came to me and suggested that I will not able to say bye ever to Kusum if not now…Then I realized that I would be in regret whole life if I will not say final good bye when I have chance…I went inside ICU to say my first and last good bye to her.  Yes, it was my ‘First’ bye too in 7 years of our fight with Cancer. In those 7 years, I never said ‘bye’ to her….It was always ‘milte h or jake aata hu’ (see you). When I went inside, Suryansh (Kusum and my son) was with me and Kusum was in coma with no movement and closed eyes for hours but I know as she is alive, she will listen to me. She always listened to me. With feeling not to miss the opportunity to say final good bye when she is around, I had my final talk with her while Suryansh and I was holding her hands in our hands. Then I kissed her and said ‘good bye jaan’ and as soon as I said it, her heart suddenly stopped then and there and she passed away while holding our hands………. !!   Then I realized, what ‘Hope’ means, then I realized that not only love, I was holding her ‘Thread of Hope’ too.

The motive to share this story is not to make anyone sad but for a message that “Whether Cancer or not, bad time or not, friends or family, please be someone ‘Thread of Hope’. Hope and Love is most beautiful and most powerful thing.”

Share Love, Share Hope, Losing is Not an Option!!


Research Matters


This morning when I woke up and checked my Twitter, I found that in an ongoing conference in Seattle, USA on “US National & Global Cancer Health Disparities”, Kusum Malik Tomar & our story and message for Better & Timely Access to Clinical Research & Latest Treatment for India Cancer patients was presented.

I am overwhelmed & proud to hear about the positive impact it is making at global level and inspiring lead Researchers, Doctors & stakeholders to bring latest cancer treatment to India🤞

I was not aware that my this message was being presented in this conference but glad it was. I have written this message in Feb post Kusum’s demise, to thank those who contributed to research medicines which helped Kusum to survive that long & to request them to continue their efforts. Since then this message is getting viral among different conferences & clinical research sector while gladly making some positive impact.

In loving memory of my love, my life, my wife kusum💕, I dedicate my this attached message to all, who is working & contributing directly & indirectly for Cancer Research & Clinical Trials be it Industry, Researchers, Doctors, Health Authorities, amazing Patient support groups & fellow brave & passionate Patient Advocates🙏…Keep doing your best, to help more & more like Kusum to survive longer quality life even at Stage 4 cancer!!




Stagnancy in Life: Horror symptoms of Cancer Progression

This blog was written by Kusum before her death and I found this today in draft section of our blogsite. Kusum missed to publish it, I think because of her deteriorated health condition…..As soon as I found this draft blog, I have to share/ publish it for her, in honor and love.

“This word “Stagnant” is itself a termite of life. Oh GOD !!! My whole family is on toes due to my symptoms of progression in Lungs, Bones and many other parts of body. The symptoms increases as night progress like continuously cough, pain in ribs, back & legs and vomiting, with shuffling time not at same time.

I am that person who constantly wants to challenge herself, evolve and grow. ‘Agitation‘ is opposite of ‘Stagnation‘. The one is ‘Life’, the other is ‘Death‘.

As fighting with my symptoms, sometimes I feel that they become fixed after putting so many efforts, medicines however sometimes no improvement. As my cough persists my all family members wake up almost whole night and bring their best so that I can get some relief…..But I can not see them in that situation, therefore I have started to tell them that now I am better and want to sleep so you all also please go to sleep……It is Vivek who still either not sleep or wake-up on my slight movement.

Hoping to get fully rid out of these and to break the Stagnancy in my life…after that new challenges are waiting for me with new treatment side-effects.

When we are no longer able to change a situation; we are challenged to change ourselves!!

Love and Hope for all,



Kusum, Cancer and our Love Story!!

“Kusum” – In Hindi, it means flowers. A flower is a creature of the universe which has the potential to create a beautiful world, influence people with its presence and even leave people with its sweet memories as it is done with life. That’s exactly how she is “Kusum Vivek Tomar”.

Thanks a million Vivek Kumar and Team of “God is not Fair??” for this beautiful tribute to my love, my wife Kusum Malik Tomar and presenting Kusum and my love story so beautifully in this 11 mins audio 🙏

Dear Friends – Please listen and share this 11 mins audio if you feel that it could bring smile and hope for someone fighting with tough situation.

Miss you soooooo much my love, my life, my jaan, my pari Kusum Malik Tomar💕


“Progression” What it means in Life…

My close, superstar friend “Linnea” inspire me to analyse this word ‘Progression’ from every aspects of life….YUP !!!! I found so many colors, bright, dull, happyness, sadness with “Progression”…

I amazed how it is so variable…At ones end, it means Satisfaction, Coolness, Achievement & Worth-paying and for another side Shocking, Restless, so many question marks, Dissatisfaction. Yes, same coin with two different side… at one side Progression is for Job, carrier, education, achievements immense pleasure and other side for me and my fellow warriors of cancer, beginning of fight again as reports says “Progression” in Cancer.

Cancer Progression is truth!! By hook or crook we have to accept it. It is on us, how we welcome it.

….I do with with fully open arm and smile that is called our spirit and justice with word “Progression”. NO Bias.. HEY Lets accept it with full fighting spirit and smile my cancer friends… LOSING IS NOT AN OPTION

Yes, Lung Cancer has choose Lung Cancer Awareness Month to got progression, aggressive progression on me!!

Kusum Vs Cancer 🙂



Whether to have positive smile or not with cancer.. what it predicts about you

Hi everyone, l am here to know whether it’s anything wrong with in me or in receptor eyes. I have to challenge my last stage cancer in so many ways day to day. When I appear publicly l always welcome my cancer with a smile since more than six year. I never allowed cancer to carry on me. The reaction most commonly l have from the people in India is “you are not looks like a cancer patient or to my family members Is it true that she has cancer of last stage” oh gosh!! it reminds me all the bad time l had gone through and my family offcourse. Is there any particular tag or tattoo we can bear always with us to show sympathy with cancer😀

Want reaction of all my cancer fellow or who had successfully defeat this demon.


Letter To Fear

What a thoughtful blog can relate to toughest cancer in us who tried but not able to break us..


Sometimes the past haunts me to the point my reality seems unbearable and very unclear. Your goal is to make me curl up into a ball and not want to come out ever again. Which for years you can very much say I was that girl who hide away from the world ignoring the realization that even though my fear is temporarily put away, the world doesn’t stop spinning and will eventually pass me right on by.

Fragile is a word I use when things are going haywire in my life because despite how insane it can be, I refuse to break! Let me repeat fear that I REFUSE TO BREAK! I was taught that wanting a mountain to move doesn’t make it but telling one to move, now that’s another story. The reason behind me writing you fear is to let you know that I may be down…

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